mmmmmmmaiiiiiiii knuckles have turned to whiteeee — if i'm lost then how can i find myself?

I was in high school and my friend Joey and I drove up in his beater mismatched paint Honda Civic to see them. They actually opened for Thrice (Joey got a guitar pick). I still remember them opening and me being confused if we are seeing the right band. They had giant crosses hanging down and purple lights, and they opened saying things like PRAISE JESUS IN JESUS’S NAME WE LIVE!!!!!! Then all of a sudden they were like “so lEz nOt Evennnn trrryyy” in a screamo voice and the rest was just pure fun. Huge fan ever since, even despite leaving Catholicism at the time internally as I had just changed high schools from my private catholic high school at Bishop England to public school at Goose Creek. After the show I still remember being scared to get beat up at Goose Creek High or made fun of if I wore the Pink X Underoath T-shirt everyone had too.

As I got older I really started to love this first album a lot, They’re Only Chasing Safety. It almost feels like a stroke of genius of combining how the world is changing in your mind as you get older past high school and the intersect of being able to love each other and other things. Maybe this coincides with my recent back into my private form of Christianity? Who knows? That is exactly the point, and I commit to the belief that it was part of my master plan of life set ahead for me. I love the album as a story but I wanted to dive into the song “It’s Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door”. A lot of thoughts pop up in my head when I heard that line. The song came out around the time I read CS Lewis books and really felt it when he said many “Christians” claim god with their words but deny him the moment they walk out their front door with actions. It also reminds me of just prioritizing the wrong things in your relationships with what you love. The song parallels a guy driving him and his lover who he is so crazy in love with, that he decides to crash the car and kill them both. To me, he feels like he’s seeking this ‘idea’ of a perfect love that he wants to give to his partner that he cannot, as it is only rooted in his near sightedness.

I've seen this once before

Planned perfection sought in my dreams

Hoping this would take you home

The feeling of working so hard at something you want to work in a relationship, only to be blindsided by getting it all wrong or not feeling like it is fixed, is a crippling feeling that is super familiar to me.

Drowning in my sleep, I'm drowning in my sleep

Glass shatters and comes to a halt, I thought we'd be there by now

Drowning in my sleep, I'm drowning in my sleep

I thought it would be so much quicker than this

Drowning in my sleep, I'm drowning in my sleep

Pain has never been so brilliant, I made sure you were buckled in

Drowning in my sleep, I'm drowning in my sleep

Now you can walk hand in hand, hand in hand with him!

I loved how the echo and despair is really visualized with the way the bridge climaxes (mmmm). The back and forth between a visual description “Glass shatters” -> “I thought wed be there” is such a cool reality vs feelings that even though reality is crashing in, he still is confused. “Pain has never been so briliiant” -> “i made sure you were buckled in” , which to me is associating what he thinks is finally closure and certainty, but still buckling you in is proof of his uncertainty.

The lesson I learn every day lately is to love the people I love (and myself, and especially dora), to the best of my ability. This is way easier said than done, because this requires me to be absolutely honest with myself as well. I have to be hones with how much I’m capable of loving and the things I do that rob me of my ability to love more that are in my control. It also is important for me not to set unrealistic expectations within myself of how much “i want to look like i love” as well, and truly go off inner spirit and feelings. In Catholic school they taught me God was perfect and was the only person cable of “perfect love.” My friend Chris reminded me of the concept of AGAPE, a perfect and unconditional love of God to man, and man to God. Being able to accept my love I give as the best, and accepting I can grow that love without being held back by perfectionism (which often involves judging others and myself’s love).

End Rant! tldr; listen to the album go to shows

Okay on to the pictures (most of these were taken mid air punching in the m0$h pit).